High Anxiety by Leanne Hoffman

During lock down 2 I would not have said that I was anxious. I thought I had surfed the wave of sadness over broken plans and made peace with this global pandemic. But then I delivered a virtual workshop which was not received well and the impact was crushing.

I found myself ruminating over what had happened, what I had done and I felt mortified and unskilled and this spiralled into some catastrophic thinking. This was far from a life-threatening event yet my heart kept racing,  I felt nauseous and despite attempts to stay calm, I was in the flings of heightened anxiety. Although it felt like my anxiety was directly linked to this incident, I am sure it was fuelled by the culmination of a year of worrying; anxiety often masquerades or displaces onto other things.

Many of us will feel heightened anxiety as we come out of lockdown. The relative safety of 21st century London life has been tested by a year of sadness, loss, disruption and fear and our bodies will want to deal with this by pumping adrenaline and cortisol around our bodies. These stress chemicals have a physical impact - we brood, become hyper alert, drink or over/under eat or whatever go-to behaviours we use to manage difficult feelings.   

In my case, it was only once the self-flagellation subsided that I could genuinely reflect on  this workshop and assess what I would do differently. This was a different type of thinking, requiring the kind of rationality and perspective that anxiety inhibits. While it is a vital protective mechanism - anxiety cannot give us what we want most - the ability to change what has happened and assert control over a painful world. Instead we should be kind to ourselves in the moment and commit to finding different ways to manage anxiety so we can get back out there safely and reconnect.