The Economics of Friendship

There used to hang a large picture at Leo Baeck College, where I trained, with the words;,

“Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: Make for yourself a Rav (a teacher); acquire (or buy) for yourself a friend (chaver); and judge every person on the positive side. (Pirkei Avot 1:6)

I always found it odd that you weren’t meant to make a friend (chaver) for yourself and acquire/buy a teacher as that is how we normally do things. We pay for teaching and we make friends. We don’t pay for friendship. It feels ethically wrong to even suggest it. But it dawned on me one day that perhaps the ‘acquiring’ had something to do with what we are prepared to invest in a friendship, and that relationships require time and sometimes also money, whether it is the cost of going to see them, the cost of going out for dinner or even just a brew, or something else. We don’t buy a friend but we do ‘invest’ in a friendship to sustain it.

Anyone who has been in a Jewish learning situation knows that we have a preoccupation with chaver/chevrutah with the idea that learning should always happen in the company of another person. The rationale for this goes beyond the idea that ‘two heads are better than one’. It goes to the core of how we live in the world, not as singular identities or small islands, but with a chaver, a friend, whether that is a life partner, study partner, or friend. “Chevrutah or metutah”, friendship or death, as Honi the circle maker (the Jewish equivalent of Sleeping Beauty) said when he woke up after 70 years and realised that all his close friends and family were gone. Chevrutah and chaverim matter. Friendships and relationships matter.

And so when I saw a tweet from the Samaritans this week it really resonated with the idea of chaver; “Let’s stop talking about Blue Monday and instead do Brew Monday”.

The third Monday of January is not Blue Monday, as there’s no such thing, bad and good days happen all through the year. Though it is good to be reminded that January is an especially hard month for many people; the darkness, the grind after the excitement and joy of December, everyone is hunkering down in their own little universes, money worries, and the lack of the next thing to look forward to. But Blue Monday is just a description or a notice, it doesn’t give us any tools to help others. 

And so the idea of Brew Mondays, of meeting over a brew to talk with friends, family, Chavurah members or colleagues is really useful. We easily forget to reach out and connect, either because of time commitments, health worries or sometimes even shyness. And it is not just for Mondays or once a year, investing time (and a cup of tea) into new and old friendships is really important. 

If you are worried about how to be a good listener, just be a good friend, someone who listens without having to offer advice or try and solve their problems. You can find some good tips from the Samaritans here and here

January is a good month to invest in new and old relationships, to connect over a brew, and if possible to do it in person, rather than online. Turns out Joshua Ben Perahiah knew a thing or two about the importance of a chaver, a friend.